Deeper in to me.

Hi Everyone

I have been thinking of this post for a couple of days now but everytime I sit down to write it I get interrupted with hubby or children or the thoughts in my head, need to get this out.

Any way I am here now typing away in fact it was a friend who I have meet through our favourite tv show who asked where my new blog post was that has inspired me to write this, this person has been through so much in the last few weeks I take my hat off to her that she is still going and has not gone to hide under her doona by now, I know I would.....well would have before kids as now I have to keep going for them. I would really love to finally meet her one day, and I am hoping this year is the year.

So this post is bit about me and what I have gone through also my mum who I miss everyday
I am an only child and I really did not like it at all, I grew up very quickly. Both my parents were hard but fair parents. My mum was more fair then my dad but I think that is normal to a degree.Also some of the decision I had to make I do not want to wish on my worst enemy.
Life was good until late teens, I had friends, I had a mum who I loved with all my heart we had a good relationship.....well as good as any mum and daughter can be with hormones running through them

Then one Friday night everything changed I went to watch my boyfriend(now husband) play a late night hockey game and I took mum with me.i was 19 year old. She told me she had a stiff neck and I asked if she was ok. She told me she was fine and said that is was okay. We went home that night and she was sick and I was worried, call ambulance and they came and told mum she need to go to the hospital to get checked.....she refused i being stubborn I get that from her, told her I was taken her to get checked we made it 2 min from home and she was unconscious in the car. Anyway we get to hospital and she get looked at when you are taken in to a private room you always know something is not right, you mum has had several annyisum. We will do what we can for her. Next day I was making decisions I should not be making about releasing pressure in my mums head.......I was 19 I just needed my mum do whatever you need to do.

So my mum really never fully recovered from that she lived in a nursing home for 7 yrs as she told me she never wanted to be a burden on me and I hated to see her in there day after day. I think I said good bye to her thousands of times.

The year I got married 2005. She finally had had enough.....I think she knew I would be ok.....she passed away in September of that year.....and to be honest I was sad but knew it was coming. I even went to work the morning of her passing as I was first on in the child care room......I left at lunchtime that day.

While trying to achieve my pregnancies I was also involved in a major car accident(2006) where my father, father in law, hubby and myself were watch Targa Tasmania and a mini lost control and run in to the crowd.....yes right in to my father.....now the same dr that worked on my mother was working to keep my father alive......which they did.....even if that dr has since in formed both my father and I that he took a body bag with him to surgery as he did not think he would survive.

Now my relationship is not crash hot with my father he is very critical of me and take pot shot at me  or about what I have done with my life. But he is still here and I personally think he is here for his grandsons.....they keep him going.

I have had 3 miscarriages and in a very weird thing all those miscarriages happened in the month of September.

I have also had 4 DNC and cancer which you can read about on another blog post I wrote to do (with long road to babies)

I am about to go under the knife again as I have an ovary cyst which they need to get rid of, and to be honest I trust my dr 100% and I actually own my life to her. We have a very special bond.
There is not a day goes by that I do not think of my mum and sometime I cry a lot for her and what she has missed.....mainly as my children will never meet her and that hurts the most..

Crying now,time to say farewell. Promise my next post will be a lot happier. this has been in my head for a while and I think I need to get it out.

Hope I have not made you sad now.
xxx

Long road to motherhood

Hi
Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Well this the post that I thought I should write now. The long road to children.

My first pregnancy was not the best experience I have had and not sure where to start to tell you about it, so may just start at the start and tell you this is not something I wish on anyone so if there is too much information I am sorry.

I have PCOS and so it was hard to conceive a baby to start with so after a trip to GP and being told that I was ok and that I need to relax we tried for over 6 months and I still felt that something else was wrong so back to GP and tell him I want to see a specialist finally I have my referral and off I go to see my fertility specialist.

First visit was told I need fertility drugs or IVF to conceive will admit I learnt to trust what he said very quicky. So off I went with my prescription for Clomid and the instructions to follow. I went back to see him at day 14 of my cycle to have an internal ultrasound which I would have every month for the next 5 months until I feel pregnant on the last round of Clomid .

After this round the fun started had a lot of morning sickness more then what I should be doing, I worked throughout all of this and I meet a wonderful OBGYN who would take car of me for many years to come.

At my 12 week scan(which I went alone too) the operator left the room suddenly and I got worried the next thing I know a Dr. has come in and asked me when I see my obgyn again I tell them a months time and they then phone her to see me straight away, as luck would have it she was in the hospital so saw her and then she told me I had what they call a Molar Pregnancy (I went white and was scared by now) it was the very rare kind you could have (An extremely rare version of a partial mole is when twins are conceived but one embryo begins to develop normally while the other is a mole. In these cases, the healthy embryo will very quickly be consumed by the abnormal growth)

In the next 2 weeks after being told that I was rushed to Melbourne to confirm this is what it was and on the ultrasound screen I saw a happy healthy fetus growing......but that was to change.

2 days later I was having surgery to basically save my life and the life of my uterus(my baby had to be aborted to save me) on the operation table I had a thyroid storm which is a result of my molar pregnancy.I NEARLY DIED. and then being told you might need chemotherapy to make sure there is no cells left was hard to hear.

I spend a month in hospital the dr amazed at my recovery and determination. I was spent home at this stage healthy and ready to try again, but nothing goes smoothly and I am rushed back in to hospital again 2 weeks later with a massive bleed and vomiting.

I was to have chemotherapy so I add another dr to my many I have now. He is fantastic, so now every 2 weeks I am having chemotherapy (hospital on Friday afternoon, home on Saturday morning and trying to work on Monday) the only thing that I could do was sit and paint my nails being hooked up to a iv pump, after 3 rounds (6 weeks in total) I was told my numbers were good and that I did not need anymore, my hair thinned out which made me cry.....but the biggest shock was still to come.

1 month after chemo had finished my dr and Obgyn told me that when I had that massive bleed and vomit my body was getting rid of what it need to do......so I may not have need chemo in the first place.

So now have a 12 month wait to be able to try to have a baby while having monthly blood draws my veins run now when they see a needle.

With the help of my obgyn I made it to 9 month and was told I could try again under very close supervision.

So that is the road next time my pregnancies.