I know it has been ages since I wrote and maybe that is a good thing.
As I approach my mums celestial birthday on Monday.....has been 10 years since my mum passed away (in saying that she actually fell sick 9yrs earlier, so I may have lost her before she passed away) I keep thinking WOW.....has it been that long and then I think I have been married that long too.....
But back to my mum's celestial birthday I am thinking lately about the mum she was and the mum I am, and I can see lots of similarities in the way I parent my kids to the way I remember she used to be and I am not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing......sometime both to me.
I have 2 children who are the polar opposite of each other and sometimes I wish they could be not so far apart on the behaviour range, but that is just what I was dealt and still getting used to and also it changes daily and sometimes hourly.
My mum was tough but fair, I seem to feel like I had everything on my shoulder being an only child..I had no one before me to soften my parents up and no one after me....so I seem to have to be everything that my parents want and sometime more.....which is very hard when you are trying to just find out who you are as a person.....I have also grown up to have a thick shell and to be stubborn and determined because that is what my mother instilled in me....some of which I have now passed on to my children....but I also remind them that it is okay to ask for help....which my mum never did (unfortunately she passed that tait on to me too).
In saying that my mum was also fair, as long as I was home or called to tell her where was then that was okay and as an adult I think I only ever pulled one all nighter and that was it....I also let her know when I got home, because like most mums she would never really get in to a deep sleep until I was home.....which I am sure it what I will be like too......still a while away yet....
To say I miss my mum is understatement....and I was doing okay until I fell pregnant and had to go to appointments on my own and many health problems that your mum should be there for (they say we all want our mums when we are sick...I know I did) but when my boys where born....then I think it really hit me....that she was not there to see them grown up and share there achievements with me as a proud grandma.....maybe that is why I do not want to miss any of my children achievement.....you just never know when your time is up. When I was pregnant with my boys I brought a star form the star registry and once a year I will look it up and wish on it...I want my boys to have something not just a photo...so they know she is always looking down on them no matter what they are doing or where they are (guess knowing they have a star make me also think that when I am not here or they are traveling at least they will know there is a star that is watching over them and hopefully they will find comfort in that......or maybe that is a dream)
I get jealous seeing other mums with there mum and I know that is silly,but it is something that deep down inside hurts quite a lot....but that is just me....and that will never change....
So I guess in closing I just want to wish my mum a great celestial birthday and may your star shine brightly this year.....we will be looking for you, we love and miss you so much. Xx
PS. what I would give just to talk to her again.