Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Deeper in to me.

Hi Everyone

I have been thinking of this post for a couple of days now but everytime I sit down to write it I get interrupted with hubby or children or the thoughts in my head, need to get this out.

Any way I am here now typing away in fact it was a friend who I have meet through our favourite tv show who asked where my new blog post was that has inspired me to write this, this person has been through so much in the last few weeks I take my hat off to her that she is still going and has not gone to hide under her doona by now, I know I would.....well would have before kids as now I have to keep going for them. I would really love to finally meet her one day, and I am hoping this year is the year.

So this post is bit about me and what I have gone through also my mum who I miss everyday
I am an only child and I really did not like it at all, I grew up very quickly. Both my parents were hard but fair parents. My mum was more fair then my dad but I think that is normal to a degree.Also some of the decision I had to make I do not want to wish on my worst enemy.
Life was good until late teens, I had friends, I had a mum who I loved with all my heart we had a good relationship.....well as good as any mum and daughter can be with hormones running through them

Then one Friday night everything changed I went to watch my boyfriend(now husband) play a late night hockey game and I took mum with me.i was 19 year old. She told me she had a stiff neck and I asked if she was ok. She told me she was fine and said that is was okay. We went home that night and she was sick and I was worried, call ambulance and they came and told mum she need to go to the hospital to get checked.....she refused i being stubborn I get that from her, told her I was taken her to get checked we made it 2 min from home and she was unconscious in the car. Anyway we get to hospital and she get looked at when you are taken in to a private room you always know something is not right, you mum has had several annyisum. We will do what we can for her. Next day I was making decisions I should not be making about releasing pressure in my mums head.......I was 19 I just needed my mum do whatever you need to do.

So my mum really never fully recovered from that she lived in a nursing home for 7 yrs as she told me she never wanted to be a burden on me and I hated to see her in there day after day. I think I said good bye to her thousands of times.

The year I got married 2005. She finally had had enough.....I think she knew I would be ok.....she passed away in September of that year.....and to be honest I was sad but knew it was coming. I even went to work the morning of her passing as I was first on in the child care room......I left at lunchtime that day.

While trying to achieve my pregnancies I was also involved in a major car accident(2006) where my father, father in law, hubby and myself were watch Targa Tasmania and a mini lost control and run in to the crowd.....yes right in to my the same dr that worked on my mother was working to keep my father alive......which they did.....even if that dr has since in formed both my father and I that he took a body bag with him to surgery as he did not think he would survive.

Now my relationship is not crash hot with my father he is very critical of me and take pot shot at me  or about what I have done with my life. But he is still here and I personally think he is here for his grandsons.....they keep him going.

I have had 3 miscarriages and in a very weird thing all those miscarriages happened in the month of September.

I have also had 4 DNC and cancer which you can read about on another blog post I wrote to do (with long road to babies)

I am about to go under the knife again as I have an ovary cyst which they need to get rid of, and to be honest I trust my dr 100% and I actually own my life to her. We have a very special bond.
There is not a day goes by that I do not think of my mum and sometime I cry a lot for her and what she has missed.....mainly as my children will never meet her and that hurts the most..

Crying now,time to say farewell. Promise my next post will be a lot happier. this has been in my head for a while and I think I need to get it out.

Hope I have not made you sad now.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

I am a Hopeless Romantic

Well it has been a while since I wrote anything and to be honest with not a lot of feedback happening or anything.....I am not sure I wanted to write anything. This is the raw me and very raw it may be.

Maybe I am writing just to make myself feel better I don't really know, so if I rant and vent a bit then please feel free to tell me where to go.....I am so sick of trying to make sure everyone else is okay I have forgotten about ME. This me to a tea today....I AM.......

We have just entered in to Autumn here in Tassie and with the sudden weather change I have both boys sick and me with hayfever. So this mumma is tired and really not feeling like herself at all and personally I hate feeling this way.

So my coping when I feel like this is to
  • Dancing.
  • Singing very loud and badly.
  • Reading romance novels.
  • Lots of cuddles from my boys when they do not cough or vomit on me.....(told you long week)

 Dancing what can I say, love it I used to do as a teenage and sometime I wonder why I gave it up and there are day I regret it so much....and I know it is excuse but I have kids and I put there needs before mine and I will always do that..... boys always tell me I sing too much and to loud but I am not going to stop it calms me down and make me feel human again sometimes.

Reading romance novels......this I will admit is my favourite thing to do(for me) nothing like jumping in to bed when the kids are asleep and read a really good romantic story....that you can jump in to and just imagine you in the boyfriend. Will also say I miss the romantic beginnings of a relationship(you know the hugs and hand holding and the little gestures that go with it) after being together for 19 years I know they will not be the same....sometimes they are there really small amounts but you know what I mean......or is it just me.

Last but not least: Cuddles from my boys: there is nothing like your children's arms around your neck,leg or any other part they can get hands around. Nothing like hearing them tell you they love you, and you will always be there first matter how big they get they will always be your babies. I want to raise my boys to treat girls/ladies/women with respect and old time manners eg opening doors both on buildings and cars, pulling chairs out and picking them up at door not just beeping the horn.

Well that is my rant/vent for this week anyway. Back to dancing and singing loudly and cleaning up yucky noses and other things.

Bye for now.