Lonely mum

Hi Everyone

I have had this post sitting for a couple of days and I am still wondering if it should be posted or not and whether anyone will take offence to it.....and I am sorry if you do it is not my intent at all.

But I have a friend who keeps telling me not to care what other think and so I am going to take her advice.....thank miss Melbourne person....you know who you are.

I would like to say Thank you to my friends and those people who have become family as they have been there for me.....many of you do not live close by or I will never meet.

This is something I have been thinking lately and it may not be a big deal to anyone else or they may not feel it or maybe they do....will have to wait and see.

I am a lonely mum......I have friends but for some reason I still feel lonely and I can not put my finger on the reason why.

Maybe as most of my mummy friends work either part time or full time and simply do not have enough time to spend together as they are very busy with the whole work/family balance and I can completely understand why they do not have the time.....and just between you and me why would they want to hear about my day at home doing the boring stuff when they have been trying to get everything cooked and cleaned with the time they have.....I also have all day to get that stuff done where they maybe trying to do it all in a 2 hr window.

I very rarely go out and if I do I always think about the kids and hubby first....I do not do spontaneous things ever......don't get me wrong I will always put my kids and hubby first I do not know a mum who does not. That is why I decided that once a month I would do something for me....but it is always planned around family and hubby's activities.

Maybe I also feel this way because I do not have a mum to call whenever it get tough, so I battle through on my own,as I do not want to bother friends and often by the time they have replied to messages I have sorted it out and moved on.

It probably stems back to me being an only child so I had to grow up quickly and have self resilience from an early age....no one to bounce things off of and let's face it.....what teenage bounced ideas off there parents.

So does anyone else feel that way you do not need to be a mum you can just be a women who seem to have a herd of people around them but still feel lonely or am I just being crazy....be honest I can take it.

Here is an article I found interesting to read.
/are-you-lonely-mama

Until next post.

Xx

What door do you choose?

Hi everyone

I am writing this while the kids play happily around me(not sure how long that will last for) Easter/Term 1 school holidays here and will say I am missing the routine of school and what I need to do each day. But that is not what this blog post is about.

I found something on another blog that I follow and it left me wondering what I really think about me and how hard we are on ourselves as women.

I have the put the video here for you to have a look at:



So what do you think?

I personally would choose to walk away I could not choose any door as I do not see myself as beautiful or average I am not sure what I am to be honest. I have always been on the larger size and I have a pretty big butt, small waist. Yes think Kim Kardashian butt.

So whenever I lose weight I lose it from my waist first which make my butt look bigger oh the joys of life. And somehow I always lose motivation to continue as I do not have a friend to push me and personal training would be great but is too expensive for this stay at home mum.

I also have never been told I was beautiful so I guess I do not believe it, I know I should but I just don't......and here I am trying to teach my boys to compliment there partners when they get to that age and I am always telling them they are beautiful, strong and amazing and their mum does not believe it.....so great mum I am being to them and a hypocrite too. I have always had a low self esteem and that leads back to I guess being told that my butt was big or my double chin is huge and that was from family members...so here I am trying to build my children self esteem up while trying to also I guess build mine up as well.......we all know kids just say what they mean and do not think before the words come out.

So this is my latest profile pic on Facebook and I hate selfies....I have also booked myself in to have a professional photo session done and I really do not know why I did that....maybe I was having a moment as I look around I have no photos of me(except wedding picture, only a few in my house). Or maybe I wanted my boys to see me being brave.....I have no idea, again my self esteem issues kick in.

So what door would you choose?

Until next time

Bye xx

Deeper in to me.

Hi Everyone

I have been thinking of this post for a couple of days now but everytime I sit down to write it I get interrupted with hubby or children or the thoughts in my head, need to get this out.

Any way I am here now typing away in fact it was a friend who I have meet through our favourite tv show who asked where my new blog post was that has inspired me to write this, this person has been through so much in the last few weeks I take my hat off to her that she is still going and has not gone to hide under her doona by now, I know I would.....well would have before kids as now I have to keep going for them. I would really love to finally meet her one day, and I am hoping this year is the year.

So this post is bit about me and what I have gone through also my mum who I miss everyday
I am an only child and I really did not like it at all, I grew up very quickly. Both my parents were hard but fair parents. My mum was more fair then my dad but I think that is normal to a degree.Also some of the decision I had to make I do not want to wish on my worst enemy.
Life was good until late teens, I had friends, I had a mum who I loved with all my heart we had a good relationship.....well as good as any mum and daughter can be with hormones running through them

Then one Friday night everything changed I went to watch my boyfriend(now husband) play a late night hockey game and I took mum with me.i was 19 year old. She told me she had a stiff neck and I asked if she was ok. She told me she was fine and said that is was okay. We went home that night and she was sick and I was worried, call ambulance and they came and told mum she need to go to the hospital to get checked.....she refused i being stubborn I get that from her, told her I was taken her to get checked we made it 2 min from home and she was unconscious in the car. Anyway we get to hospital and she get looked at when you are taken in to a private room you always know something is not right, you mum has had several annyisum. We will do what we can for her. Next day I was making decisions I should not be making about releasing pressure in my mums head.......I was 19 I just needed my mum do whatever you need to do.

So my mum really never fully recovered from that she lived in a nursing home for 7 yrs as she told me she never wanted to be a burden on me and I hated to see her in there day after day. I think I said good bye to her thousands of times.

The year I got married 2005. She finally had had enough.....I think she knew I would be ok.....she passed away in September of that year.....and to be honest I was sad but knew it was coming. I even went to work the morning of her passing as I was first on in the child care room......I left at lunchtime that day.

While trying to achieve my pregnancies I was also involved in a major car accident(2006) where my father, father in law, hubby and myself were watch Targa Tasmania and a mini lost control and run in to the crowd.....yes right in to my father.....now the same dr that worked on my mother was working to keep my father alive......which they did.....even if that dr has since in formed both my father and I that he took a body bag with him to surgery as he did not think he would survive.

Now my relationship is not crash hot with my father he is very critical of me and take pot shot at me  or about what I have done with my life. But he is still here and I personally think he is here for his grandsons.....they keep him going.

I have had 3 miscarriages and in a very weird thing all those miscarriages happened in the month of September.

I have also had 4 DNC and cancer which you can read about on another blog post I wrote to do (with long road to babies)

I am about to go under the knife again as I have an ovary cyst which they need to get rid of, and to be honest I trust my dr 100% and I actually own my life to her. We have a very special bond.
There is not a day goes by that I do not think of my mum and sometime I cry a lot for her and what she has missed.....mainly as my children will never meet her and that hurts the most..

Crying now,time to say farewell. Promise my next post will be a lot happier. this has been in my head for a while and I think I need to get it out.

Hope I have not made you sad now.
xxx

I am a Hopeless Romantic

Hi
Well it has been a while since I wrote anything and to be honest with not a lot of feedback happening or anything.....I am not sure I wanted to write anything. This is the raw me and very raw it may be.

Maybe I am writing just to make myself feel better I don't really know, so if I rant and vent a bit then please feel free to tell me where to go.....I am so sick of trying to make sure everyone else is okay I have forgotten about ME. This me to a tea today....I AM.......

We have just entered in to Autumn here in Tassie and with the sudden weather change I have both boys sick and me with hayfever. So this mumma is tired and really not feeling like herself at all and personally I hate feeling this way.

So my coping when I feel like this is to

• Dancing.
• Singing very loud and badly.
• Reading romance novels.
• Lots of cuddles from my boys when they do not cough or vomit on me.....(told you long week)

 Dancing what can I say, love it I used to do as a teenage and sometime I wonder why I gave it up and there are day I regret it so much....and I know it is excuse but I have kids and I put there needs before mine and I will always do that.....

Singing....my boys always tell me I sing too much and to loud but I am not going to stop it calms me down and make me feel human again sometimes.

Reading romance novels......this I will admit is my favourite thing to do(for me) nothing like jumping in to bed when the kids are asleep and read a really good romantic story....that you can jump in to and just imagine you in the story....book boyfriend. Will also say I miss the romantic beginnings of a relationship(you know the hugs and hand holding and the little gestures that go with it) after being together for 19 years I know they will not be the same....sometimes they are there really small amounts but you know what I mean......or is it just me.

Last but not least: Cuddles from my boys: there is nothing like your children's arms around your neck,leg or any other part they can get hands around. Nothing like hearing them tell you they love you, and you will always be there first love....no matter how big they get they will always be your babies. I want to raise my boys to treat girls/ladies/women with respect and old time manners eg opening doors both on buildings and cars, pulling chairs out and picking them up at door not just beeping the horn.

Well that is my rant/vent for this week anyway. Back to dancing and singing loudly and cleaning up yucky noses and other things.

Bye for now.

Brain fart and review on FSOG

Hi
I know it has been a while since I wrote not much has been happening really.
I have spent the time since I last wrote getting my boy ready for prep so have been busy and also just trying to be a good friend and wife.

This post has a strange name because I have some much circling in my brain I need to get it out and not sure if this will make a lot of sense.

So lets start with the fact my boys is in prep....wow he is getting big so quickly. the introduction to his new prep teacher has not be great but I am trying to go with the flow, but will tell you that for the past week everyday she has told me my son has a problem. first it was the fact he was ambidextrous which is great, next it was a speech problem(which by the way is fine, he often has members of public say to me how well he speaks) and then it was he is not crossing over the centre line which is due to his ambidextrous....so she would like to send him to maybe get some help in that(none of this was picked up in Kindergarten).....I will wait and see what I get on pick up today.

I have also been walking daily and keeping up with my exercise which I love, my little man and myself are enjoying the fresh air daily and we love feeding the ducks every morning, I am taking time out for me and it has made a me a happier person which is great for my hubby.....the kids are still testing my mind but the wine helps with that......well small glass is not going to hurt.

 So my week last week started great and went down hill very quickly....but then I remembered I was off to see Fifty Shades of Grey(FSOG) and my excitement level went up, I know people hate this book as they think it is about abuse and other things but these are generally people who have not read all the book....yes the 3 of them.....the writing is not brilliant but to get the whole picture you need to read all the them. Then feel free to judge the books and movie. Well my review of the movie is below so you can read it for yourself.(insert a picture of stars and director just because I love it)

FSOG review

Well what can I say about it........loved it.It was everything I thought it would be. Jamie and Dakota are prefect for the roles of Christian and Ana. If someone tells me they had no chemistry then not sure what they are watching...whoo hot stuff with them. The only thing that was wrong is it felt rushed a bit ( which you get with a lot of book/movie things) 20 for min would have been great....the ending was wow that's it...... Can not wait for the dvd and then FSOG Darker.....but if anyone want to see it I put my hand up to go again and again.

My favourite tv show Beauty and the Beast(BATB) has be renewed for a 4th season and we get season 3 starting on may so excited for that....

Well that is all that is going through my brain lately, off to put my little man down for naptime and so me time watching.......not sure yet.

Have a great week, until next time.

xx

ME time and FSOG

Hi Everyone

It has been 2 weeks since my last post and I am not sure what that is maybe because I have kids still on school holidays here and I have been spending time with them...or maybe I did not think I had anything interesting to say to you.....

Remember one of my goals for this year was to do something just for me once a month, take better care of me.....that way I can take care of my boys and be happier too.....so the month of February I am.........

Well first of all I am going to warn you about this post some people will like it some people will hate it and not want to read it but oh well I am still happy to hear negative thoughts on it.

I will admit in the last week I have become obsessed with FSOG (Fifty Shades Of Grey) yes the book and the movie due out in 17 days(yes on countdown here) I love it and when I need a pick me up I will watch a tv spot(30second) and then I am back to happy me. I really do not know why

So confess who has read the books? Did you make it through all 3 or did you stop and never went back.

When I first saw who was playing Christian and Anastasia I was not impressed and I through I will just wait until it come out on DVD to see it. But after watching Jamie in OUAT (Once upon a time season 1 episodes 1-7) I thought he would be good, then the trailers came out and I went okay but the more I watched the trailers the more I want to see, he has the looks and the smothering eyes to  match what I through Christian would be like.

Now I can not stop watching the trailers and tv spots, have seen heaps of interviews where they talk about the film and other things. I have my tickets to gold class to see it, if anyone wants to join me(taking hubby as well) then that fine the more the merrier.

It has been a while since I have felt this excited about something and I think this is great......might be a bit obsessed but I say whatever make me look forward to something as a mum then I am happy.

I will go on the defence of the books and say yes the writing is not at good but I loved it, and there are people out there who say it is 'mummy porn' well it might be but when I read all 3 of the books I soon realise that Anastasia did not have to do any of the things she did she was in control of the situation, she also helped Christian to see what he really needed and that people do not abandon you when you need them the most. Anastasia showed Christian very early on that he was special and she was not going to take crap from him. If I can teach one thing to my children it would be empathy and assertiveness which is what I see when I read these books. Some people might see something else......what do you think of them?  

Will include a trailer and one of my favourite tv spots for you to check out.....please let me know what you think?

International Trailer

One of the tv spots...............so hard to choose one


So let me know what you think of all of this hype.....me personally so excited.

Later  xxx

First week of my 2015 Goals

Hi everyone

I hope you have all had a great week.

My week has been a little up and down and feeling a little emotional but has been good despite that.

 Had been busy as usual enjoying the school holidays with my boys. My oldest son has had a few days away with his grandparents which has been great and lovely and quiet....and I have not had to answer any questions which seem to be all he does lately and if I do not have the answers or tell him that I will get the answer for him then he reminds me if I forget. I love how he want to know things but he asks me things even sometimes I would not even think he understands.

I must admit when he returned after 2 days he asked a lot so he made up for the time that he was not with me but then the behaviour went a bit off the show and he has been quite rude and demanding which is a little hard to take but that is ok he did get a lot of one on one when he was away and now he has to put up with sharing and waiting until I am not too busy to get him what he wanted.

 I have started my plans for this year I am so happy about that. I have a note in the front of my diary that reminds me of my goals for this year and I plan to stick to them.

I went out for a great lunch yesterday with some wonderful ladies, we laughed, talked and shared secrets as well as a lovely glass of wine and a great long lunch which I miss so much after having the children.

We went to a lovely little restaurant in Sandy Bay. It had a great menu and great atmosphere. It was just so fantastic to get out without the kids and have some adult girly time. Now I just need to make a date for next months lunch somewhere just as nice......so any ladies want to join just let me know we are always looking for new friends and if you need to get away from the family for a few hours then you are welcome to join us.

This morning I also started to exercise more, have taken a photo of what I was pushing. I had the pram, boy in pram and my oldest son on the skateboard attached to the pram. .....so a good amount of weight I pushed for 30 min. The oldest son took some photos so he would not get too bored.

I am even going to do a yoga program I found for my iPad called fit star yoga when the boys have a sleep and rest it is free and guides you through the program will let you know how that goes.Then I might just sit in the sun and read a book for a while after I book my tickets to see "Fifty shades of grey".......that's important right...

Love this blog post on Fat Mum Slim today 15-ordinary-things-2015/ Have a look at it see what you think.

Well signing off as I am writing this while playing with the kids at the park. Have a great week.

Xx